Beyond The Awkward Silence: How I Stumbled Into Intimacy With God

• by Abi Olukeye
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God and I started off on the wrong foot: “Do you, dirty-sluty-unworthy sweetheart, take this God, merciful enough to keep you out of the hell you really deserve if you can say out of his black book, voluntarily as your Lord and Savior?”

Even the most rogue of all ministers would not be gutsy enough to make such a blunt call for salvation, but that is the way my heart translated it. I was quite young the first time I was convinced of my need for salvation. With tears streaming down my face, heartbroken at the realization that I was already a failed human being at 8, of course I said ‘Yes.’

In the years to come, I perfected my walk down the aisle. Although I didn’t know much about this Person that laid claim on my heart, I was so grateful that He didn’t mind getting back down on one knee to propose at the twenty-something odd times I answered that call, beyond the first time. The way my ministers relayed His proposal was always so sweet: “You suck but He’s ok with that. Even if you don’t realize you suck yet, trust me you do … but like said He is totally fine with that (for now)” I have to admit that I didn’t love Him. There were no butterflies; in fact He hardly spoke. Not that I expected Him to say anything, His “I do,” was a graceful privilege. I do my part (stay out of the black book) and He does His part (remembers me on the roll for Heaven). The fear that drew me to Him, kept me with Him in earnest.

Consequently, I was miserable most of the time. The only sweet memories I had of this strange romance were of the moments I messed up (again) and said sorry and he said ok. I tried to keep my slate clean; I really tried. There were three things I was told made Him happy: living sin free, reading your Bible, and praying. That is all He wanted and I hated that I couldn’t get it right.

I remember wondering once if it was even humanly possible not to lie. I could not help myself; I lied faster than my mind could process a holy alternative. And reading my Bible? That was my least favorite thing to do in the entire world! But I wouldn’t dare think it. I was convinced that thinking about how much of a burden Bible study was, constituted sin. Praying was another bore; why would He want to hear me say the same thing over and over and over every single night? “Lord bless my family and everyone else in the world and please forgive me of every sin that I may have committed today knowingly or unknowingly. And if you come for your children tonight, please take me with you” Even that prayer was not mine. I picked up the pieces (especially the “knowingly and unknowingly” part) from eavesdropping on others praying at church. “Is this all you can come up with?” I would taunt myself.

I grew up in a church culture where your level of maturity and faith was measured by how long you could pray. My mind would spin with amazement at the stories of the great men and women of God amongst us, who prayed for three hours or more a day and the amazing things that happened in their lives because of it. These were the ones able to raise the dead, I would think to myself. Perhaps they were the true bona fide sons of God; those gallantly led by the Spirit; who broke bread with God and were intimately involved in His decision-making, like Abraham.

I wasn’t too interested in being so esteemed myself, although I thought it could be nice. I was more concerned with my lying problem, my inability to pray longer than five minutes or stay awake while reading the Bible. Did God intend that I would love Him for fear of the alternative’s consequence? Does it satisfy Him that He is wanted only for His grace and nothing more? I didn’t dare ask Him. Not like He would speak to me. My job was just to be unquestionably grateful that I even had the privilege of receiving His weekly Sunday messages through the pastor. I had probably strayed too far by daring to be concerned about God’s feelings.

By my sophomore year in high school, I decided to get serious and follow the “rules”: cut out sin, read my Bible, and pray. I shuffled my schedule a bit, knowing how the pressure to submit my homework on time never failed to keep me awake till the latest hours. I would read my Bible first in the afternoon, when the sleep demon was not as aggressive, and then do my homework afterwards. To stave off boredom, I decided to buy something to spice up my quiet time from the local Christian bookstore. Settling on a Naves Topical Bible and a commentary, I was ready to give this thing my best shot.

The first couple of days were ok; I started with the first word in the Topical Bible (Aaron) and read every single bible passage that referenced it. I also got a fresh journal to take notes on any interesting bible passages I encountered. It wasn’t until I discovered Matt 7:21 that things started to get interesting: “Not all people who sound religious are really godly. They may refer to me as Lord, but they still won’t enter the kingdom of Heaven. The decisive issue is whether they obey my Father in Heaven. On judgment day many will tell me, Lord, Lord we prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracle sin your name. But I will reply, I never knew you. Go away; the things you did were unauthorized. “

I was stunned! This verse completely threw my already-skewed religious balance off. Being able to raise the dead does not guarantee God’s approval? I’d always been taught that good deeds guaranteed security with God. Thoroughly captivated, I started studying the Bible consistently. I wanted to know more about this unexpected God I had discovered. The idea that God wouldn’t honor people just because they lived by religious rules was so controversial to me that I grew increasingly curious about this God that no one had told me about. That marked the beginning of my active walk with God.

I soon learned a nugget of truth that really established my new-found relationship with God: He saves me for now, not for later. My salvation isn’t a retirement account set up by a bored, vain God whose pet peeve is sin. He saves me so that my life on earth can really happen; so that I can realize my potential, and maybe even exhaust it. Where I once saw a cruel taskmaster, I discovered a wonderful Friend and invaluable Companion. I no longer had this dysfunctional compromise with Him, where being saved meant living uneventfully now, in hope of an utopist afterlife. It wasn’t long before a genuine love for God overtook me. I truly loved Him; I desired to learn more of Him. Prayer became dynamic: I stopped setting formal prayer times and started just talking to Him as needed throughout the day.

Sometimes I wonder why this new space with God seemed so hidden and uncharted before. For many of us, our connection to God is born of fear; our relationships with Him are strained. I challenge you with this question: if there were no heaven or hell, would you still walk with God? An honest “No” may be your reality now, but know that this irresistible God desires to help you find your way into his loving arms and have you stay there forever. Most significantly, He is very much interested in your present life, not just where you end up after death.